Understanding Window of Tolerance

I recently had the opportunity to speak with a group of entrepreneurs and professionals who are part of Enclave Academy at BellWorks in Hoffman Estates. Despite being business oriented we spoke specifically about how each of us has a “window of tolerance” that regulates how well we can stay present and in our “adult” selves even during difficult conversations at work. The concept of the "window of tolerance" was developed by Dr. Dan Siegel and refers to the optimal arousal zone where we can function effectively, tolerate stress, and respond to stimuli without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

Why is this important? When we leave our window of tolerance, our nervous system reacts by shifting out of our parasympathetic system and into our sympathetic (“fight or flight”). In that state it’s difficult to stay appropriately oriented, in control of our selves and aware of our choices. Instead, we begin to experience anxiety, hypervigilance and the release of cortisol and adrenaline.

The reality is that we can shift in and out of our parasympathetic system multiple times a day. Whether at home or work or even out with friends we are each susceptible to changes in our nervous system. Our body is always picking up cues (what we call “neuroception”) and when it thinks there is a threat or danger cue it can begin to shift.

You’re driving and all of a sudden hit traffic and realize you are going to be late to a meeting -> you acitvate into hyperarousal. Maybe you receive a cryptic, negative email from your boss at work -> your body senses a threat and will also become activated.

Oftentimes we can get pushed out of our window of tolerance through difficult arguments with our loved ones. Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse or partner and just felt like a different person in you was taking over? You began saying things or acting in ways way too out of line for the situation.

Some people even report it like they are watching themselves say and do destructive things but feel like they don’t have the power to stop it - something bigger has taken over. That is also our nervous system at play. In that moment it’s trying to protect you from some perceived “danger” - even with those we love the most!

When I work with couples I always counsel that as soon as one or both persons recognizes they have shifted to “fight or flight” it’s time to take a break. Usually nothing good can come at that point and there will only be more damage and unnecessary hurt and regretful words spoken. They are no longer in their “right mind” and their ability to choose or stay regulated just isn’t there.

In that moment feeling safe and seen is initially much more important than whatever truth or argument is attempting to be resolved.

There is so much more that can be discussed or researched on this and I encourage you to do so. When we are sympathetically activated we need to feel safe - that’s what signals to our body that the danger is passing. Focusing on that is actually needed in those moments instead of showing why you are “right.” In fact arguing the “truth” is somewhat futile until both people can regulate and get back into their own windows. Negotiating truth or boundaries or how to handle things going forward require access to our frontal cortex, vagus nerve and rational mind. And this is exactly what gets compromised when we move more fully into an activated state.

So instead of using defensiveness or being argumentative try to focus on how you are coming across. What is your tone of voice? What does your posture communicate? Can you first acknowledge and validate your partner and his/her concern? Can you first attempt to understand before needing to be understood? What might empathy in that moment look like?

Easy to write…much harder to actually do. But thats what the dance of healthy relationship requires and ultimately it’s worth the effort.